How to Survive a Preteen

Prepare yourself. If your child is on the cusp of preteen-hood, hang on to your hat. Through no fault of your own, you are about to become very un-cool and dumber than a stump.

Arm yourself well. If you are to survive your preteen, you must possess a thick skin, wry sense of humor and enough self-restraint to keep from hurling a shoe at an excessively mouthy child. You must maintain your body armor at all times.

Provide snacks. Be certain large chunks of them are junk food. Health nuts will yell, but it's been proven that the ability to produce a chocolate bar may save your life one day.

Explain to your preteen what's happening. They may be confused about the changes in their body. Sit down with them and calmly discuss growing up, the birds and bees, puberty and all that other happy stuff. Wear a full-face hockey mask and carry a sacrificial box of cookies into the arena.

Expect mood swings. Imagine your child is like a babbling brook. No, wait. Scratch that. Imagine Niagara Falls, flowing upwards. Now picture someone turning off a giant tap and the falls becoming a huge, barren rock face in the middle of a desert. See the tsunami building steadily behind it? That's your moody preteen.

Seek refuge. Have your child's teacher and other parents of preteens on speed dial. Knowing you are not alone in the battle can make all the difference in long-term survival. Remind yourself that this too shall pass, and take hearta??teenagers are even worse.