How to Survive a Horror Movie
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How to Survive a Horror Movie
Introduction
A monster is hiding in your house, out to kill everyone there. Or you're stranded in the middle of nowhere in a town with a legendary curse. Or you've wandered too far into a creepy forest in the middle of the night. You know you're stuck in an awful horror movie story, but the question is, how do you survive?
Instructions
Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Inside the House
Steps
1
Step One
Do not engage in sexual relations. Those who do are the first to die in the movie.
2
Step Two
Move out of the house if it was built on any type of burial ground. Sell it for any price.
3
Step Three
Never say "I'll be right back" if you have to leave. You will not come back.
4
Step Four
Don't answer the phone unless you're expecting a call. If you don't know the voice on the other end, hang up immediately.
5
Step Five
Don't take a bath, or even take any clothes off. Monsters aren't just killers, they're perverts.
6
Step Six
Do not run upstairs or downstairs. If you make it to the basement, you'll be trapped, and if you make it to the attic or roof, the only way out is to jump.
7
Step Seven
If you get out of the house, don't get in your car. The monster will be in there.
Tips & Warnings
- Don't be the hot blond girl. Unless this movie was written by Joss Whedon, you won't survive.
- Don't call the police, army or national guard. They will never get there in time.
- Leave as soon as the monster appears dead. If you check to make sure, it won't be.
- Never say "It's all over." Something else will always happen.
On the Road
Steps
1
Step One
Keep your spare gas can full. You do not want to run out of gas.
2
Step Two
Never pickup hitchhikers, especially ones carrying power tools.
3
Step Three
Do not stop in a town that looks deserted. You do not want to find out why.
4
Step Four
If you hit something in the road, keep driving. Don't go back to find out what you hit.
5
Step Five
Always make sure your back seat is empty.
In the Woods
Steps
1
Step One
Believe any story the old people told you. It doesn't matter how crazy it sounds or they seem.
2
Step Two
Keep a light with you at all times. Anything with fire is best because you'll likely have to burn something.
3
Step Three
Never split up with your party. If anyone suggests that you do, kill them.
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