How to Introduce a Vibrator into Partner Sex

Address possible concerns that with a vibrator, your twosome suddenly becomes a threesome--you, me, and IT, that thing. Taking a vibrator to bed with you certainly introduces a new element into partner sex, one that requires some getting used to. But most men don't really believe that partner sex should involve just the two lovers. Most men love erotic enhancements: music, candle light, lingerie, porn. Vibrators represent just a slight extension of using other enhancements.

Quell his fear that nobody else uses vibrators in partner sex. Explain that a recent survey by researchers at the University of California, at San Francisco, shows that 10 percent of American couples use vibrators at least occasionally in partner sex, and that among couples under age 40, the figure is 12 percent. That's somewhere in the range of 15 to 20 million couples. That faint buzzing sound you hear just might be the couple next door playing with their vibrator.

Assure him that it doesn't mean he's not good enough. This is a big fear for men, the idea that they're being replaced by a machine. One good way to deal with this objection is to say: Even the best carpenters use power tools. It's true that vibrators deliver more intense stimulation than a man's hands or tongue--or the woman's own hand--can provide. But that's ALL vibrators do. They can't kiss, hug, snuggle up in bed, tell a joke, carry on a conversation, say a??I love you,' or support a woman through the ups and downs of life. A woman who wants to introduce a vibrator into partner sex should make of point of distinguishing between the one thing the vibrator does well, and all the many things her lover does for her, both in and out of bed. Vibrators are TOYS, not replacements for men.

Give him information about why a woman might need a vibrator. There are several possible reasons:

a. Variety is the spice of sex. Many women who enjoy other forms of sexual contact--and are orgasmic in other ways--still enjoy the special sensations vibrators provide. It's like ice cream flavors. Why limit yourself to a few when there are more to try?

b. Difficulty with arousal and orgasm. Most men become sexually aroused fairly easily, and according to a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, about one-third of men ejaculate before they would like to. So men often have trouble understanding that many women find it difficult to become sexually aroused and acheive orgasm. Men need to understand that it's NORMAL for women to experience sex in this way. Many women feel bad that they take a??too longa?? to get turned on enough to acheive orgasm. They fear that the man will get bored or tired or disgusted. For these women, vibrators eliminate guilt about the time it takes them to feel turned on and come.

c. Can't come without it. For some women, no amount of direct clitoral stimulation by hand or tongue can trigger orgasm. The only thing that does it is the intense stimulation a vibrator provides. Women in this situation typically feel inadequate, like something is wrong with them. Some women in this situation have histories of sexual abuse or emotional problems that might account for their inability to come without a vibrator. But for many others, there is no discernible cause. That's just the way they are. They might be wonderful women in every other way. They just need a vibrator to come. That's fine. It's normal. The situation is similar to those who need glasses. Usually it's not clear why their eyesight weakens. It just does. Fortunately, we have glasses for them--and vibrators for women who need them.

Explain a woman's need for direct clitoral stimulation. In a world where pornography has become men's main sex educator, it's not surprising that many men believe intercourse is the key to women's sexual pleasure. In porn, men pay scant attention to the clitoris. After a few quick licks, it's all intercourse. But according to the best sex surveys, fewer than half of women can reach orgasm during intercourse no matter how long it lasts and no matter how large the man's penis. The fact is, most women NEED direct clitoral stimulation to get highly around and have orgasms. If a woman is in a relationship with a man who doesn't understand the primacy of the clitoris in her sexuality, she may not feel able to explain it to him. It may be easier for her to use a vibrator.

Assure him that he will not hurt you with the vibrator. Vibrators deliver intense sensations, so intense that some men become concerned about hurting the woman. Many women are also concerned about this, too, and prefer to use the vibrator on themselves, even in bed with their man. This is fine. The man can still hold the women lovingly, caress her, kiss her, and make her feel comfortable, safe and loved. And many men enjoy watching as women use vibrators on their own vulvas and clitorises.

Start with other skin-touching enhancements. If a man enjoys his sex with other enhancements--music, candles etc.--but not those that actually touch the skin as a vibrator does, a good way to introduce skin-touching enhancements is to begin with a sexual lubricant. For most men, lubes are less intimidating than vibrators, and they instantly make sex more pleasurable. It's a rare man who doesn't like the feeling of a well-lubricated hand stroking his penis, and a well-lubricated vagina is easier for an erection to enter. Once a man experiences the added pleasure lubricants provide, he often becomes more willing to try other skin-touching sexual enhancements, such as vibrators. Shopping for lubricants can also help introduce your reluctant lover to sex toys.

Offer a trade. Is there some change your man would like in your sex life? Or in the rest of your life? If so, you might offer a trade: You'll grant his request--or do your best to come close to what he wants--if he grants yours to bring a vibrator into bed with you. This works well for some couples.

Save it for a special occasion. Several times each year, people tend to loosen up and try things they usually are not willing to do. If your lover is reluctant to include a vibrator in your partner sex, try asking for it on a special occasion: your birthday, Valentine's Day, your anniversary or Christmas. Be clear that you're not asking for a permanent change. You just want to bring a vibrator to bed with you ONCE. That's the idea behind the Great American Smokeout, the one day each year smokers are asked not to smoke for just that one day. The theory is that if they can quit for a day, they can probably quit completely. Indeed, studies show that some smokers who participate in the annual Smokeout quit soon after. Similarly, if you can persuade your honey to welcome a vibrator into your partner sex just once, perhaps he'll become more open to including toys in the future.

Do this if all else fails: buy the vibrator you want, use it solo, leave it in plain sight, and then gently mention that you'd like it a lot more if your lover would use it with you.