How to get your house guests to leave

• A sense of humor
• A dark side
• The ability to lie effectively
• bad odors
• stamina
• perseverance

Steps

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Step One

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Determine how long you want the guest to stay. There's no point in thinking you want your company gone on Friday if your spouse is planning a golf outing or barbecue on Sunday. You need to come to terms with when you want them out. It's always better not to leave social events "open ended." Definately have an end time pre-determined.

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Step Two

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It's getting to be 3am and your "cousins" who are visiting are still in the living room playing "quarters" or some such drinking game and someone has gone out for a "beer run." First step is to tell them that you're tired and you want them to go home. If this doesn't work see the next step.

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Step Three

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Your guests have gone out and gotten another keg. Someone is already asleep in your bathtub. Another guest has come in and is raiding your refrigerator. You are now beyond asking the to leave politely. If you have a spouse, get them on board with you and ask them to mention it to the guests about leaving, perhaps by asking them if you could call them a cab.

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Step Four

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They're still there. They are eating your food. They are drinking still more alcohol and you are tired and it's beginning to look like you'll have guests in your house for breakfast. One sure fire way to get them to leave is to create some "natural" catastrophe. While it's not easy to plan a hurricaine or tornado or rain storm, a simple thing you can do, which will put out the large screen television - the one they're watching for that "one last movie" or "game" is to fake a power outage. Just go to where the power switch is and turn it to "off," this will certainly get them out. Remember to act surprized and fumble for candles.

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Step Five

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If this doesn't work you can always either sweat them out (if it's summer) by messing with the air conditioning unit and telling them it's broken and letting the house get up to 110 degrees (turn the oven on if you have to), or "freeze" them out by telling them that the heater is broken and letting your apartment/house get frigid cold. And if they ask for blankets, tell them you only had the one and you lent it to the neighbors for their baby.

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Step Six

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Start an argument with your significant other. People always tend to leave when couples fight. If you are a couple, start some outrageous fight (plan it out of course) -maybe even write scripts. You could begin with, "I can't believe you slept with her, she was my best friend and the surrogate mother for our child!" Or "what do you mean your in love with the plumber?" Or "you mean that little girl selling us the cookies is your daughter?" People with any class at all will always leave when there's a fight. If you don't have a spouse, arrange to have someone call your cell phone and fake a fight with your mother/brother/sister. Of course the partner argument is more effective.

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Step Seven

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If they still haven't left you have to resort to drastic measures. You can have your phone ring and then hang up and tell them that you just received a call from their neighbor that THEIR HOUSE IS ON FIRE! Or you could say someone broke into their house. Use your imagination. You'll come up with something. Say things like, "and you mean to tell me that the first floor is completely under water? Wait, what happened to the cat? Ohmigawd! The old lady?" This will get them hurrying out of your hosue. And then you can always lock the door and shut out the lights, so if they do come back they'll think you're not home.

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Step Eight

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If they still haven't left, keep a realistic looking shot gut in the house. If they won't go, get the gun and tell them, "get out or I shoot." If a flag pops out when you pull the trigger, everyone will have a good laugh and usually if they're good friends, they will get the point and leave without any hard feelings.

• Be gentle with your guests. Always try to be polite. Treat them with dignity and allow them to "save face." No one likes to be asked to leave so it helps if you open up ways in which they might say they have to go. You could talk about how the traffic is building up, or how it's supposed to rain. Most people will get the hint
• don't get drunk and say things you don't mean. And don't say, "They're never going to leave! We'll be stuck with you forever!"
• And don't say, "How can I miss you if you won't go away" or "Don't go away mad, just go away!" Be as diplomatic as you can. And never get personal.