How to buy the lipstick of your dreams

The cardinal rule of lipstick purchasing is something every sales counter Nazi will give you the raised-eyebrow about. But forget them--it ain't THEIR lips. And even though lipstick isn't going to break the bank, this isn't about money. It's about feeling like the color of your lips will give you the strength to rule the world.
Which it will.
Quite the preamble. I really should have put that in the intro section.
So here it is:
Bring a little compact when you venture to the mall, try on the lipstick of your supposed dreams, and then (drum roll) walk outside in to the daylight to really check it out. Not just into different light than the mind-erasing cosmetic beams of gorgeousness which make you feel like everything is prettier than it really is. No. WALK OUTSIDE. Like, the place with the SUN. Be sure to have planned your shopping experience during the day and not A. at night or B. during a total eclipse. Those are bad times to go. You must judge the color in total natural light. Many times, even a seasoned professional like myself will be shocked at how utterly wrong it is in the light of day. So, once you walk outside and realize you hate that shade of red, march back in and..........

Move on to step two! Which is:
While trying on multiple colors, ALWAYS remove your lipstick with a little eye makeup remover. MAC and Clinique and a few other lines have "cleansing cloths" which are also fine. Why, you ask? Because if you start to just smear off each color with a regular ol' Kleenex, your lips get irritated which means they start to redden rendering future lipstick try-ons utterly useless because the color of your lips will change the color of the lipstick. Again, the ultra-rouged makeup lady will inevitably offer the slight eye-roll, but stay strong. It's their JOB to try and force you to buy crap you won't wear. Why? So that you'll come back and buy something ELSE which you might like more than the first disaster, but which you'll also ultimately hate. And the cycle continues. It's an ugly world.

Another great way to love your lipstick is to never wear it! Forget the whole thing. Pick a gloss in a color that your eye gravitates to. It will most likely work because glosses will give an idea of red or pink, but not the standard red or pink commitment. Plus, a glossy mouth is a younger, more kissable mouth. A big, darkened pair of dry lips isn't all its cracked up to be. When selecting the gloss of your dreams, be sure not to get a pale, frosted gloss. This will make you look either like a Supreme or like you've just emerged from 1987 and people will keep making dumb jokes about Members Only jackets. And those jokes are over. If you must do a pale pink, make sure you're not tan, and choose a soft, flat color. Stila makes some nice ones. Or if you fear gloss, which many do, find a lipliner the color of your lips, line and smudge, then swipe on a balm like Rosebud Salve--found at Sephora.

And finally, if you are a tried and true lipstick lover, take yourself to the Bobbi Brown counter and choose a pinky brown. This looks good on almost everyone and Bobbi's shades are by far the best. If you're red-obsessed, go to MAC and buy Russian Red. If it's good enough for Madonna...