How to Tell if You Have Small-World Syndrome as a Stay-at-Home Parent

Posted by Anonymous , 9/4/2007 Tags:TellSmallWorldSyndromeStayHomeParent

Story Highlights

Introduction Small-world syndrome sneaks up slowly on stay-at-home parents, insinuating itself into

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Introduction

Small-world syndrome sneaks up slowly on stay-at-home parents, insinuating itself into the lives of unsuspecting adults, until they find themselves psychoanalyzing animated feature films, discussing diaper creams and passionate about cereal brands. Follow these steps to determine if you have small-world syndrome as a stay-at-home parent, before you find yourself ostracized in adult society.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Steps

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Step One

To tell if you have small-world syndrome, begin by examining your daily routine: do you leave the house a) often, b) occasionally, c) what, I'm supposed to leave?
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Step Two

Consider your conversation: Do you talk with others about a) ideas, b) things, or c) every aspect of your children's existence?
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Step Three

When you ponder society's ills, do you focus on a) disease in third-world countries, b) the overcrowding of America's classrooms, or c) the broken swing--third from the left--at the neighborhood playground?
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Step Four

Small-world syndrome turns little things into big things. When considering the violence-promoting qualities of water pistols, would you say: a) never, b) I guess they are guns, or c) I lay awake at night pondering the consequences of my misguided purchase of a double-barreled squirt bazooka last Fourth of July.
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Step Five

Examine your media consumption: Out of the last five animated feature films released onto DVD you a) own one or two, b) bought all five (because it bought you a few hours of peace while the kids were in animated heaven), or c) know all five by heart, and can discuss the underlying symbolism of the B-plots, the Greek myths the movies were based on, and name every voice actor and the part and/or species he or she played.
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Step Six

How anxious for social contact have you become? When you pick up your preschooler, do you a) ask what he wants for lunch, b) ask who he or she played with at school, or c) ask for a blow-by-blow of events from the time she entered the door, to the time she left, with dialogue?
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Step Seven

Go to an adult-only event with your spouse. Yes, that means you have to get a babysitter. Yes, there are good, trustworthy babysitters out there. It will only be a couple of hours. The kids will be fine. When you get there, do you a) engage in lively conversation with other adults, b) listen to the work exploits of those around you and feel grateful you are getting to stay home with the kids and avoid those hassles, or c) discover that you have absolutely nothing to offer to a conversation besides where to buy the best action figures, how to make grilled cheese and why sculpting clay doesn't do well in a fish tank, and that everyone thinks they already know how you spend your day, and don't want to hear about it?

Tips & Warnings

  • Leaving the house doesn't mean taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn or getting the mail. Only going out the door, with or without children, and leaving the premises, applies.
  • If you answered a??Ca?? to any of the questions, small-world syndrome may be sneaking up on you. If you answered a??Ca?? to most of the questions, you need to get out more. If you answered a??Ca?? to all of the questions, you are a stay-at-home parent of small children, and only time and elementary school will heal your debilitating case of small-world syndrome.

Overall Tips & Warnings

  • Working spouses do not understand small-world syndrome, which can be mistaken for pettiness, agoraphobia, bipolar disorder and brain atrophy. Leave your spouse in charge for a weekend, or longer, while you revitalize your synapses and exercise your social skills at a spa, and your spouse will regain his or her appreciation for your lifestyle and beg you to return.
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